Day 7 - I Made Drinks To Drink, I Drunk Them

This whole master cleansing process is absolutely surreal! I am on day 7 and am still alive. Surely, tipping the scales at 200lbs I would have at least fainted or eaten my arm by now. I feel pretty fantastic, looking back at the first 4 days and in comparison I will say that those were the hardest, not overtly difficult but adjusting to a liquid diet was hard. At this point, waking up and drinking the salt water flush is like second nature. Making the days lemonade has replaced my daily ritual of grinding coffee beans and making coffee. Drinking the lemonade instead of eating my meals is strangely satisfying now. The hardest part of my day has to be drinking the 32oz of salt water flush. It's like drinking in ocean. Seriously, like getting caught in a riptide and having sea water flushed into your mouth.

Felt pretty good so I went for a bike ride after work, about 15 miles down to the Rose Garden and Willow Glen area, it was relaxing to get some sun and some exercise again. During my ride I thought about all the places I wanted to eat once my cleanse is over, I may even take time off from work to dedicate a few days towards eating exclusively. Of course it'll be in small portions, eaten slowly and savored for its deliciousness, too bad it wont be until next Tuesday at the earliest. I sure pray that my digestive system accepts eating and food and doesn't give me any problems. Until then I will continue to visit food blogs and make believe.

Today I finished 70oz of the lemonade and plenty of water. Can't wait for my senna laxative tea tonite. My tea at night has become almost like a dessert as it tastes like chocolate, one of the few things i look forward too each and every day! Keep your fingers/legs crossed that I pass some hellacious shit tomorrow morning. That would be awesome! I will be going to the San Francisco Zoo and I'm stoked for that as it will keep me pretty busy, will the white tigers be there? We shall see!

Day 6 - If You're Not First You're Last

Woke up at 3am to take a dump. That senna tea is working a little too well, I guess I went to bed a bit to early the night before (10am) and the senna gets to working in 6-8 hours. Afterwards I ended up tossing and turning for a few hours before getting back to sleep and then waking up at 7am thus leaving me to 'work' from home while i wait for my 3 elimination. I left for work without having the third and took an extra pair of pants and undies just in case I get caught in the car. I live on the edge.

Most of the day went fairly well, no major urges to eat, I kept myself busy and trying to stay cool, strangely hot in a strangely unseasonal summer. Today went so well in fact that I went and ran 3 miles on the track and walked 1 while I looked at girls and this dude who had a handlebar tattoo (wtf?). Downed a good 72oz of the lemonade, I went with the extra 12oz since I didn't want to die on the track.

I really can not believe I am finishing with day 6 which leaves me only 4 more days of lemonade and 4 days of itty bitty eating, I'm already planning my meals once I'm done with everything, it may be legendary, so if you're down for some serious eaterage holler at your boy! Surprisingly being without food has not left me with a short temper. Usually, I get cranky when I'm hungry but the mental clarity that this cleanse has provided is doing wonders. I would have had a burger from Slider's today after someone mentioned that it was owned by my peoples.

Day 7 here I come!

Day 5 - You Don't Know The Half

When I was at Trader Joe's the other day this is what transpired...
Cashier: Hello! How are you doing?
Me: (mumbling to avoid breath-age) Hi, good.
Cashier: Sure is a lot of lemons. Making lemonade?
Me: Err yeah something like that.

When I was at Whole Foods buying my one single item, the laxative tea...
Cashier: I can help you right here. Hi, how's your day been going? (staring at my laxative tea and looking at me)
Me: Good, thanks. (feeling his stare and trying not to make eye contact)
Cashier: Will that be it?
Me: Yup.

When I was at Trader Joe's getting my re-up on grade B maple syrup...
Cashier: Hi, how's it going?
Me: Good, thanks.
Cashier: Just the syrup?
Me: Yeah, I like pancakes.
Cashier: Me too!
Me: Thanks.

Slept in this morning for the first time since I've started the cleanse, except for waking up at 5am to take a dump I was able to sleep in til about 10am. That dump I took was solid, as in there were some solids!!! Did the salt water flush later and took a piss through my butt. Besides the early morning dump, today has been fairly uneventful. Drank about 64oz of the lemonade and bought what might be the last batch of maple syrup and lemons for the remainder of the cleanse which will conclude on Friday. Whoa.

I really can't believe that I am halfway through this cleanse. As I told some folks, if someone offered me $1000 to break my cleanse I wouldn't do it. For the past 5 days I've been reassessing the way I've been eating and hopefully this will help to break some bad habits. No more eating an entire package of thick cut applewood bacon, eating an entire bag of kettle chips, or my 'No Food Left Behind' motto when it comes to eating out. Sigh. I would have had an enormous Korean meal today as it is Sunday and I usually go home to my parents house.

Felt good today, got a workweek ahead of me so we shall see. 5 days left, cleanse or burst!

Day 4 - Where's The Beef?

Goodness. Today has been the toughest day of all. Started my day as usual with my salt water flush and didn't have that awesome mucus dump I had hoped for. Woke up early actually cause I wanted to go movie-hopping, starting with the Simpsons movie (Awesome!!!), then to Transformers (Solid), and lastly to Chuck & Larry (Mad funny!). Started at around 11am and ended at about 5pm and during the whole day I might have felt sick to my stomach a few times and all I did was sit and watch movies. I had plenty of the lemonade and water, 60oz to be exact.

Hopefully today will be as bad as it gets. I had some major hunger pangs, some slight nausea, minor aches and had a bowel movement at around 8pm (odd). The thought of 10 whole days really being 13 since the last 3 days are spent drinking orange juice (day 11), eating a vegetable soup (day 12) and then finally eating/nibbling on fruit (day 13) is really intimidating now. I suppose it's like running a marathon, hard as fuck! You just have to focus on little goals/distances, instead of looking at the whole 10 days, just look at getting through the day.

I've had dreams of accidentally breaking the cleanse almost daily. These dreams find myself in really strange situations and with the most random of people. I think I would have had a falafel or maybe a chicken shawarma today. I'm hoping to go to bed early and sleeping in late tomorrow, I think having to wake up early to have my salt water flush has affected how I'm feeling now. Ugh.

Day 3 - By The Power Of Grayskul

Woke up this morning and drank roughly 28oz of the salt water flush. Tried to hold it in as best I could and let go what was to be the most inspirational turd I have ever eliminated! After 2 days of no food and no miracle turds, I have to say my faith in the cleanse was wavering, but this mornings movement was incredible to say the least. I want to say it was mucous but I am not certain. It definitely was not liquid, it floated on the top unlike any liquid and was flushed down unlike any liquid. After that movement I had 2 more eliminations that can be best described as butt piss. You can draw your own pictures.

Seriously, straight the f*ck up!!! I was stoked this morning. Went into work with the intent of working a half day and going home to take a nice nap. Ended up having a fairly productive day and going home only to go bike riding with the homeboy for about 15miles. It was nice to get a sweat going and being out in the sun. Then it kind of hit me, that all encompassing tiredness. When I got home, drank some more lemonade, took a shower, went to buy some more lemons and felt much better. I didn't want to nap as I wanted to be able to sleep early (before midnight) so I can be well rested for Saturdays movie marathon at the theatres.

Drank 64oz of the lemonade today and plenty of water. I think I would have had a couple of corn dogs and a side of onion rings for lunch today, that would have been awesome. Loads of ketchup/catsup and some ranch dressing for a dipping sauce. That would be stupendous.

Folks have said that the first 3-4 days were the worst, I feel pretty solid, if I keep having those mucous eliminations I may never stop the cleanse!

Day 2 - Smell My Breath

I woke up this morning feeling fairly good, as good as one could feel waking up 2 hours earlier to do the salt water flush. I also looked pretty friggin cut! I know it's entirely water weight but it was fun checking out my guns and doing my best Hulk Hogan. Anyways, this mornings salt water flush went well. I already had butt rumbles the minute I woke up so the flush compounded matters pretty bad, I tried to hold it in but ended up running to the bathroom before ruining my fruitofthelooms. After 3 movements I was done. 3 faucet like movements, eliminating what looked like colourful butt piss, it was basically water really.

For the most part I felt pretty damn good. I went to work for about 5 hours and felt good except for a moment where I got winded pretty fast after moving some boxes. Everybody at work didn't notice anything odd about my behaviour considering I'd been without food, delicious, glorious food for the past 48 hours. I think I would have had a burrito today. Carne Asada with a carnitas taco on the side, chips and a whole lot of salsa maybe even a horchata too.

After a quick stop for some more lemons, a dvd twin pack (Raising Arizona & Fargo) I got home and took a nap. When I woke up I must say that I felt like crap. A little dizzy and disoriented, the lemonade helped a bit and I was back to sitting around on the computer and watching television.

So far so good. I haven't had any crazy eliminations, I was hoping for some flaming hot turds to shoot out like gangbusters but I will be patient and perhaps up the cayenne pepper to shock the mucus lining in my system. Did I mention that my mouth feels like ass? I have got the coating on my tongue and it tastes like ass.

Also, I found out today that I won a free meal at IHOP for me and 15 people for dropping my business card into one of those fishbowls. Could this have come at a worse time? I don't know the exact details of my winnings but will find out tomorrow.

Drinking the senna laxitive tea is a welcome treat, it tastes like chocolate. *Sigh* I have to go into work on Friday, this might prove to be difficult. We shall see.

Day 1 - Ready Or Not

Shit is on. Woke up this morning pretty excited, I may have still been happy over the previous nights meals. Too bad that excitement was short lived as the process of making my salt water flush deadened any good feelings I may have had. The instructions calls for 32oz of the flush to be made and drunk, I was able to do 20oz. Laid on my right side to help facilitate the flush but ended up just making my right arm fall asleep, odd thing was the minute I woke up I had to go anyways due to the laxitive tea the night before. The salt water flush delayed my movements another half hour. I had 3 this morning all within about 30 minutes of each other. Thank god for Wet Wipes!

I ended up working from home since most of the stuff I needed to get done was via email and cell phone. Made about 48oz of the lemonade and damnit if it didnt taste pretty good. Reminded me of an ole Mexican favorite, the Vero Mango! After the first 16oz, I was over it and started thinking about real food. I think my mistake was not having more to do, keeping busy would have helped. I would have had the turkey breast on whole wheat, extra peppers, pickles, jalepenos and chipotle dressing at Subway today.

The rest of the day was spent watching the Go West 'King of Wishful Thinking' video on Youtube, that put a smile on my face and chatting on AIM with friends helped too. For the most part I feel pretty good. My tongue feels kind of gross, no tongue scraper can help it now. I was even thinking about playing some basketball! Too bad I did not have another bowel movement for the rest of the day, this was a disappointment as I hoped for some fiery hot turds.

Watched a whole lot of television, The Nanny, Mad About You, Roseanne, missed the Cosby Show, Hard Boiled, The Host and both Jason Bourne movies. I need to get some sun.

Let's see what happens on Day 2, I'm going into work for a few hours to take care of some things. I'll try to get the 32oz of the salt water flush down so I can really donkey punch the turds in my system. More manana.

Beefcake 3000 b/w I Do Want I Want

Cleansing Eve

I feel like a death row inmate about to meet my maker. I have to say that all this talk about the master cleanse last week did not make me nervous, nor did it over the weekend when I told my mom about it. With Wednesday approaching, I must say I feel pretty antsy. The same feeling you had before the first day of school when you were young. Perhaps it's doubt?

I had dreams last night about breaking my cleanse by accident while sleepwalking into the kitchen. I have since put away my wine and booze, pushed things back into the cupboards, even going as far as securing my cabinets so I don't accidently eat anything.

With that said, I went out like an absolute champ today.
Started off with my usual of Kashi and soy milk, some activia yogurt, orange juice and my smoothie concoction for a late morning snack. Sounds fairly healthy but proceeds to go downhill fast.

I basically had the 3 things I have on the regular. Pho, burritos and pizza. The only thing missing was the booze.

Lunch was at Pho Tau Bay aka Airport Pho aka LIQUID MOTHERFUCKING GOLD!!! My large bowl with rare steak, brisket and flank and a Viet-style iced coffee. I will miss this dearly.
Dinner ended up at La Victoria at 10pm, I would have wanted a better burrito but it is home of the orange sauce so it ended up being okay. Luckily having a slice of pizza from Pizza My Heart ended up being the perfect end to a great day. Like a dessert pie, a pizza pie with cheese and pepperoni. I will really miss eating.

Senna laxitive tea tonight and a salt water flush tomorrow morning.

Wish me luck.

My Mind On My Movements & My Movements On My Mind

It's about to go DOWN.

With my 28th born day approaching, what better time to detoxify?

For those who are unfamiliar with Stanley Burrough's Master Cleanse, check the links to the left for more information. In a nutshell, it's a whole lot of water, senna tea, salt water flushes, grade B maple syrup, lemons, cayenne pepper and 2-ply toilet paper. The thought of burning hot turds excites me. Turning my morning constitutionals into mid-morning, afternoon, dusk, evening and night time constitutionals.

After my sister told me about her very brief experience with the cleanse a few years back, i've been wildly curious with the idea of eliminating toxins. Imagine all the nitrates stored in my body from 27 years of eating bacon and other cured meats!

Straight up, my regularity defines me, one could say that I have an unhealthy fascination with bowel movements in general and for good reason! Why keep it inside when you can get it out? Anyways, a friend of a friend just completed an 11 day cleanse and it has given me the inspiration to start one myself. You can check out her experiences on her blog here.

I'll try to post daily with my experiences, mp3's that have gotten me through the hard times, movies I may be watching, actitivities I may engage in, books I may be reading, foods I wished I was eating and possibly pictures of my cleansing process! Hopefully, it'll inspire you to try it out too.